I am not doing anything else. Now I feel like I am in prison. I hope you are safe. Please, Ronan. I love you. Is this normal? I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. It didnt. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. THANK YOU. It was an emergency last night. Case in point, conversation with your daddy in the car. 6 would have been absolutely perfect in this so-called imperfect world that does not exist if you have all of your kids, healthy and living. I have had a blast and it is a healthy, good distraction. The rest of my day, played out in a way that I dont think I can take much more. Because I'm still in love with you - ROCKSTAR RONAN So good. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. All I can do is my best and I want to do this the right way, not the rushed way. with you being somewhere else. As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? I truly expected more from you. Ive been living off of pie. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. She is doing amazing things with it. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. He was so tiny and frail. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . I dont even want fucking justice. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I was out cold. I need to get in some hours working on this book. Your daddy went out last night. All I did was try to get in a few runs before the big event so I could actually try to make it around the lake without having to be pushed in a wheel barrel. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. I felt a connection with her that I often dont feel after just meeting someone for the first time. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, Ronan, came on. I told him I need at least 30 more years of him here. Crazy workouts. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. I am so very sorry. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. The ultimate sacrifice. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I left there, feeling like my heart was going to explode from the pain of missing you. I am awake now. Ah, for those of you who have also been asking the logo for Ronans Foundation is a little seal, because that is what his name means Irish and Gaelic. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. I have been reading all of your comments today. We sat and caught up. Sweet dreams. It makes me feel happy. He is a man that cares and sticks to his word. I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. What is your daughters name? She just looked at me and said, Ireland. I smiled and said, Its beautiful. That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. I huffed and puffed. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. Swallow pill. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didnt talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. They turned out beautifully. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. Oh, and I saw Dr. Eshun again today. A water for me. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. She lost her daughter to cancer. A light-hearted but heavy-hearted way to make some money to get Dr. Mosses trial funded, seemed like the way to go. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddys celebration of life. I forget to write about 23 months without you. Where is Ronan? - ROCKSTAR RONAN Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. You know that I will never stop worrying about this baby having cancer, ever. I dont know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. She thought we were all lying to her. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. on A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach, Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. There is nothing sweet and fluffy about having to dig your babies ashes out of his urn to place them in a plastic baggie, so you can take him on a trip with you. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. Happily. I wont tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. Period. Its the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do. Well, thats the world I live in, Ronan. We watched their little boys Lacrosse game. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. They urged me to go. Youd think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? I love you so much. I let myself get lost in my baking. I will see you tomorrow.. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know Im not a fan of. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. Giggling everywhere. I would have chased you like the wind today. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. You were mine. It is just all so wrong. I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. The P.F. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I have tried to be as productive as possible. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. Im angry, sad, and feel really let down. You see, I am not only doing this to make some money for your foundation, but I am also doing this to help us get through May. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. Your sweet little face. Ronan. I was out cold. My favorite kind of trip. My days are so consumed with trying to be the best mama to your brothers and sister. Sometimes not. This was my idea as I knew we were going to need a way to get a laugh and some smiles on this trip. May 9th. I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. Nothing. Im o.k. I couldn't take it anymore. NOWHERE. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. What a day. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. Nela's mom and I have been cooresponding via email messages and just lately, through text messages. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. I am always the most intense when I am the saddest/on the verge of jumping out of our 7 story hotel room. I left the restaurant with Liam. From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl. Really? Because I know you would want it to be this way. I lived in this world. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. I talked to your Sparkly the other day. I went and got it. I should know more, soon. Dear lovely little blog readers. I would give both of my arms for those problems. Thats all I want to eat. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. This led to him calling my phone. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I think that is appropriate since it is the day that cancer stole you. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. I miss you. I think my eyes do too. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. Im really going to kick your ass now! I know how much your heart is broken. I WILL DO ANYTHING. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. It wont be the real name for the baby. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. Again, but not always. Ill be sorry for the rest of my life. It was the day after I had her. Today, was not a day I expected at all. I got asked to lead a 5k run that some girls I know wanted to throw together at our Lake Sacajawea. She wanted me to wait for her, to do our pies. I am further along than that, but not much. I mean, I think your big blue eyes are the most compelling piece of evidence ever of why this disease deserves to have a better outcome. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. I dont want to talk to much about it because I dont want to jinx myself. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. She obviously gets those from your daddy. Secret Plan! Grief. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Or so the outside world seems to think. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. I remember last year, I couldnt even pack my suitcase. You know who kicked ass in the race today, Ronan? Ill never forget all the pokies, we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. How much you wanted a baby sister. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! I tried to call your daddy. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I wont miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. I miss you. I cannot process this. I am excited too. Then perfect baby Ronan. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. You with a baby girl. Not crying. I am so lucky to have them all. Even the weather agrees. Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. You have no idea how glad I am you didnt listen to me on that one. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. You should not be sitting there. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. AKA-the Devil. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. Alright, Ronan. I often give her crap about this. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. You know that speaks volumes in my book. The Kardashians?! I threw off my clothes, washed my face, and curled up in your bed. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. The way he makes me exam everything that comes my way, with a magnifying glass. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. Thanks for writing them. They fill me with things like anger that I never knew existed. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. You always make sure of this. Talk about another huge sign! We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. There is no better place, then here with me. My brain/emotions are fried. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. I have a few more weeks before I will find out. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Time to go, little man. Depth. He sat down. Come on, just try for me., Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. So, lets keep watching and learning more Ronan. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. Everything feels extra heavy, hard, sad, and the slightest things take up every ounce of energy I have just to get through the day. It doesnt seem possible. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? They are a part of my soul now. I told her I didnt remember a thing about it except I dont think I cried. I let his words soak in and lick my wounds for a while. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. That destroys me. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. Its all so unfair. Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. I love that. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. Im not a scientist. Sometimes all you need in life is a little Eddie Vedder to remind you of who you really are. I can be brave. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. Yelling, Quinny! Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. I don't have any idea who that is." I looked up at Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and yes, his eyes still sparkle. I let the tears, sweat, and vomit take over my world for 3 days straight. I know Ive been quiet. Thank you to all of my rad hometown babes who worked so hard to get this all done. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war . Meg. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. Gnite, babydoll. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. I dont do well with things that slow me down. I am going to build something amazing with it. I hope you are safe. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. Then perfect toddler Ronan. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. Clutch phone to look at your face. I can do this. It was game over. When I remembered this meeting was taking place, I of course told your Fairy RoMo about it and she was more than happy to go with me. Call me. I told her about the gift I needed to find. Yes. What I wouldnt give to have just one more second with you. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. We shall see if I succeed this year. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. I think I will try not to die from the pain of physically feeling, with every cell in my body, that you are not here.
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